At this year's conference, I was gifted a book called, Jesus Calling.
Daily devotionals for 365 days.
At first glance, another short story/thought 365 day devotional which has nice thoughts, but not profound...UNTIL you open the book and read Sarah Young's foreword. I was hooked.
Over the last couple years on our journey, my relationship with our Father has grown deeper. I hope and pray I continue to grow and learn to let go of myself and fully trust. I am a "fixer" by nature. Look at the profession I chose. A nurse. An ER nurse. An ER nurse who thrived off caring for the sickest of the sick and the bloodiest of the bloody. Morbid? Maybe. Odd? We are. But really, I LOVED the pace, quick thinking and rush of saving a life. I was very good at cutting off emotion to get through and do what needed to be done.
Do you see a common theme in the above??? "I". Yep, a lot of "I's". I always knew working in the kinds of ER's I have worked that this was a gift from God. Truly. I have held brain matter in my hands of a 17 year old boy who had just graduated and was off to college, driving his new fast car which took too fast a turn along a winding road. Somehow, we were fine with brain matter in our hands. Again, odd. But let me be clear, if we did get emotional and let these things get to us, we were no good for our patients who needed us to be on top of our game. If we didn't cut off, we'd cry our way through nearly each day at work with things we saw. So please don't think I am calloused. Being "fine" with brain matter is all it is at the moment, but I still remember leaving work and standing outside my apartment in Chattanooga, TN on good 'Ol East Dallas Rd and actually smelling the air and listening to the birds. Something that 17 yr would never be able to do again. I still see that poor little 17 year old's face as though it was yesterday I took care of him. I see many faces as there are those patients you'll never forget. Patients and families you prayed with. Lives saved. Lives lost. It stays with you. I loved being there for people in their most dire times.
I guess the point is that I know how to cope. I know how to fix. I am good at coping. Good at smiling. Good at fixing. Blessing and my worst enemy.
The reason the last two years have been so significant for me is that I have learned that some things I just can't fix. I have also learned that I need to be "OK" with not being able to fix things. And that it's "ok" to not be fixable if that is God's will. And in all things being God's will, there is a plan far greater than what I had thought or planned there to ever be. Weren't we promised this in Jeremiah 29:11? Yep.
So back to this book. From the moment I began reading, July 13th, to be exact, each day has shared something significant for me. The book is about hearing God. I mean, REALLY, hearing God speaking to you. Each day is written as though God is speaking directly to the reader.
Though my relationship continues to grow in Christ, I do find myself wondering at times, "Erika, is that REALLY God speaking or just what you want to hear?" I find myself in doubt; not able to let go and let God.
Today, I woke begging God to speak to me. Begging for clarity. Begging for direction. I drove to work talking, like a crazy person, to my windshield (really to God). I have a few things on my mind...hehe.
Every day before I get into the grit of work, I sit down with a cup of warm (aka coffee) and read a devotional. These days, Jesus Calling. Today's was to be still in His Presence and not to worry. God has a plan for the journey. And no matter how hard the journey, I'm not alone, He is with me/us and carrying us. Really?!?! I felt like this day's devotion was written just for me at that very moment.
Erika, quit begging. Quit talking.
Just listen and let God.
So in lieu of this FABULOUS book, I'm curious of your thoughts.
How do you know God is speaking to you and that it's not just you telling yourself something?
TOTALLY go get this book off AMAZON since sadly Borders is closing...sigh. It's amazing! They even make a children's version...LOVE! My little miss Belle, Ashley's bub, had one on her desk. She thought it was fun that we were both reading the same book. Oh how I love that little.
How cute is that little blue bird?!?!?
Can't wait to hear your thoughts?